I like to meditate.
Well, I like to say I
like to meditate. Rarely do I actually stop and meditate.
But it just so happens there is a meditation group that meets 8:00
a.m. Tuesday mornings at church. It also just so happens that I have yet
to attend the meditation meet-up. The week I was going to start? Canceled due
to weather. The next week? I totally forgot and slept in til 8:30. This week?
That's today. Let me tell you about today.
I set the alarm on my phone for 7:00 a.m. I set the message to
say, "MEDITATE!!!" so I would remember to not hit the snooze button.
I hit the snooze button three times. So at 7:27--
side note: Why is the snooze 9 minutes? Who among the makers of
digital clocks decided this? Why can I not adjust the length of snooze? You would
think that with all the technology in the world and all the adjustable settings
that come with that technology one would be able to adjust snooze instead of
having to set another alarm for however many minutes til the next 5- or
10-minute mark because who chooses to wake up at multiples of nine? You set
your alarm for 7:00; you get up at 7:30. It just makes sense. I'm not going to
set my alarm for 7:03 in order to wake up at 7:30. It throws things off. Case
in point...
Today, at 7:27, I get up and say, "I got this. Let's
go." At 7:50 I say, "Shit! I gotta get outta here!" I drove down
the street reciting expletives in my head. But I stop, I try to be mindful of
my situation, I relax...for about two minutes, until I hit the red light and
then had to dodge not one but two construction crews in the street. The point
is I walked up to the church at precisely 8:00 a.m. I saw candles, evidence of
humans, and...the door was locked. I didn't want to bang on the door or wave in
the window but that is the polar opposite meaning of calming one's mind. So I
watched the squirrels play in the garden without a sense a loathing (I hate
squirrels normally) and tried to appreciate nature, blah, blah, blah, and then
I cried in my car.
Why did I start crying? I don't know. Yes, I do. Maybe it was
because I have depression. Maybe it was because I was disappointed in myself
for not making it on time yet again. Maybe it was because I was mad that what
held me up at home was my daily struggle to find clothes to wear because I have
body image issues. Maybe it was all of these things.
So. Another Tuesday. Another failed attempt.
Not to meditate, mind you, I can do that at any time, but to
meditate at a specific place at a specific time. Because clearly, I'm
the type of person who needs a heavy dose of expectation to go with my
mindfulness.
Therapy has taught be to think rationally. So as I drove away at
8:07, with tear-streaked cheeks I recount the facts to myself, "You're
awake. You remembered. You made it to the building by 8:00. Last week you were
still asleep. Tuesday will come again." I resign myself to get a cup of
coffee and some breakfast.
As
I am meandering my way back from whence I’d just come, I spotted someone
trickling down the hill with a flat tire. I remembered my dear, old dad had
purchased me a tire inflator that plugs into the cigarette lighter. I
immediately turn my car around and stop in the street to see if I could help. I
met Anthony, a nice man whose tire, we soon realized, was blown and no amount
of cigarette lighter-powered anything was going to help. But we chatted for a
while. I tried to convince him that it looked like his tire had a bubble in the
sidewall and had blown out, that it had not been slashed. He offered to take me
to Red Lobster to say thanks. I declined. He thanked me again and said he hoped
he’d not made me late for work or something. I told him he’d actually made my
day. I mentioned how I was upset with myself for being late to something but
that I think it was because I was supposed to meet him. And all I was really able
to do was show him a gadget and recommend he buy one in the future. But it made
my day and allowed me to ruminate, if not meditate, on many things.
So. Another Tuesday. Another failed attempt to meditate at a
specific place at a specific time. But I, for one, had a pretty great morning.
Had a good dream. Had a good cry. Met a nice person. Had a good coffee.
Besides…
Tuesday will come again.
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| Here's a picture I took of a tree. |
